Hope

A running DOTA fight in between towers. 5vs5, -ar, mid-game and the first blood's just been called. Drow ranger, treant protector and Omni are defending against lich, Axe, Mortred and Shadow fiend, but are being pushed back due to the ranged frost attacks of the Lich and superior numbers on the Scourge side. Treant protector uses his last bit of mana to activate shields for himself and Omniknight while Drow ranger holds off the Lich with her arrows to cover the retreat. They are halfway back when suddenly words appear onscreen "Zeus and Chen missing watch your back" The two aforementioned heroes, Zeus the Lord of Olympia and Chen the Holy Knight burst from a clump of trees and bear down on Lich, and Shadow Fiend. In a second, Chen converts a group of creeps and Zeus brings down Lich and Axe to half health. Mortred has disappeared and shadow fiend is retreating. The tide has turned.

**

Seeing 2 out of 3 go wrong isn't bad, but when you're writing case notes for a SHO in the emergency room, you really do want to get all the patient's details down. I've sat with the patient and got as much info out of her as I thought I should need, but when the doc asks me, I am struck dumb. Why didn't I think of that? comes to mind fairly frequently. Humbled, I go ask the patient a few times more before getting an "OK" from the SHO who then, to my uttermost surprise, proceeds to discuss the case with me and how she should be managed. Finally, he types out a prescription and hands it to me. "Er.." I hesitate. "Go on, she's your patient isn't she?" the SHO says with a wink. Wow. He must have remembered what being a medical student was like.

**

Down in the beleaguered city of Gondor, knights cowered in fear as flames broke out through the city. Only a few were left shooting at the massed ranks of orcs surrounding the city. Even as more siege towers were hauled into place, the ancient creature's head, Grond, was being brought to bear on the city gate. Fire burned in its mouth, and cave trolls wielded it. They swung once, but the gates of iron and the posts of steel withstood the blow. Then the Witch-King uttered words from some long-forgotten tongue and Grond swung again. The gates shivered and fell at the third stroke. Under that hallowed archway, where no enemy had passed for over a hundred years, rode the Witch-King. In the courtyard, a single figure awaited. Gandalf upon Shadowfax, who alone of the Free horses of the world could stand the terror that awaited. As the Witch-King raised his hand to strike, a cock crowed from some nearby henhouse, caring nothing for the war, but only welcoming the breaking of day. And at that moment, as if in answer, horns blew wildly and fiercely in the east. Rohan had come at last.

**

Huddled in an upper room not far from Gethsemane, five dishevelled people tried to make sense of what had just happened. They'd just been woken from sleep to see their master being arrested and taken off. Peter was the only one to put up a fight, but even then, Jesus had stopped him before he did any real harm. Only now did they recall Jesus' words when he said he would be betrayed and handed over to his enemies. They looked back to the last dinner they had together, and shuddered when they recalled Jesus talking about 'his body being broken'.

Later, as they were told about Jesus and how he suffered at the hands of the soldiers, some struggled to make the connection. Didn't he just come into the city yesterday where the crowds welcomed him like a war hero? Others were slightly more optimistic. "Maybe it's one of his miracles. He's going to save himself somehow, and make all the authorities look silly as usual. You wait and see."

Everyone was shocked, however, when they heard from Peter and John that Jesus was really dead. Peter could hardly speak, it was obvious he felt guilty, but John sorrowfully gave his account. Everyone flinched as he described how the soldier thrust his spear into Jesus' side at the end, to make sure of his death. There was a stunned silence when John finished speaking. No one really knew what to do after that. A few thought of going back to their former jobs, but the rest were still in shock.

The next morning, everyone tried to muster up the strength to eat something. Some had already left during the night, but most of the disciples were still there. Someone said "You know how he would always pray every morning, all by himself?" Then the door burst open and 2 excited men came running in. In breathless tones they described how they'd been talking to a man who'd explained the Scriptures to them, and who they thought was Jesus!

'While they were still talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you." They were startled and frightened, thinking they saw a ghost. He said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have." Luke24:36-39

**

In the midst of studying for my exam(which i really should be doing, and will get back to soon), i thot of writing about hope, so often understated in a world where pessimism seems to be gaining the upper hand, and where a hope for something better seems more and more a child's pipe dream better left behind as one gets older.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1Cor 13;13

*from a fictional game of DOTA, a posting to the ER, a book called the Lord of The Rings, which I had no time to find the original text of(don't sue me please), and the Bible with my own modifications on what the disciples might have done.*

Truth

Recently I've been reminded again and again how little I know about the world around. Do fish drink water? What does TOG measure? Has anyone looked for Noah's Ark? And on and on. With that in mind, have been driven to looking up online encyclopedias daily, looking for random entries that catch my eye. It's a lot better than spending 2 hours on DOTA in btw studying! Btw, had no idea the original DOTA map was designed by Eul, and that there's a secret involving missing frogs from one version of the game. But I digress.

In between looking through all these scraps, was again confronted with that immortal line by Pilate.."What is truth?" Of course, he said it in Latin(right?) and with old script fonts and all. My el cheapo answer off the top of my tongue, would be "God". And till now, I would think that would be the truth indeed. But looking at the different versions of stuff, and reading graceY's entry a few posts back, I've come to the conclusion I need to look harder, sift more, think harder, and accept less without comparing it to God's Word first. Of course, there are those that would say God also is on trial, that His truth isn't er....true. To those, then, I'd invite you on a journey of discovering the ultimate truth and ask that you consider a simple fact first:

Everyone believes in something, whether it's God, karma or oblivion. In the search for truth, none can claim to be truly objective and free from bias.

2 years to go till I graduate, and medical ethics remains a closed book.. sigh.

Notes From Liverpool

It's 2 weeks to exams, and all of us are finally buckling our seatbelts as we enter into working mode.. However I just spent the afternoon and most of last night looking for acoomodation on scotland.. A ton of paeds to read thru, plus the ever present ssm project hovering in the background..

Recently was challenged in the area(among others) of living victoriously. Every week when we meet up to encourage each other, ( for those of us that do come..) the prevailing theme seems to be everyone's tired out, everyone's stressed, everyone's finding it hard to keep everything together and serve God at the same time. Usually ends with Julia sharing lots and the rest of us listening. Its as if theres a loop that we are running. Plenty of times we think we break through, but next week at the meeting finds us about the same again. Didn't I go thru this back in IMU as well?

"For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but the spirit of Sonship" "...and I will be with you always, to the very end of the age." "But you will be filled with power when the Holy Spirit comes on you..." "Do not be afraid because you are young, but be an example to others.." "Be still and know that I am God."

Thoughts like these really show me that there is only one way to go; fully depending on God to provide the strength and the grace to press on. No matter how heavy project work gets, or how people around us respond to our best efforts, the old MYF theme still holds true "Christ Above All". As I write this, I find that one of my reasons for this post is accountability. At least you guys reading this know what to keep me in prayer for now, instead of just being busy:-)


Things I have done over the last few weeks:
- Play frisbee on Saturdays, thereby finding out my stamina level has decreased to that of a couch potato which has been parboiled and steamed after!
- Watched a musical in the Empire Theatre, thereby being wowed by the coordination of the music, singing and dancing. It was 'My Fair Lady' and it was worth the watch.
- Finally finished my longlasting CTM project after another visit to the dear old library. Better not speak too soon..
- Disney revival where I downloaded(hmm) 60+ disney songs and listned to them over and over again. Some of them I didn't even know were disney songs! Benny, if you're reading this: I can challenge you already!
- Star Wars revival(gosh i sound deprived) where I downloaded the original trilogy and the return of the sith plus the cartoon series of The Clone Wars which I seriously think was well drawn and advanced the storyline well.
- Forgot to pay my uni fees, thus resulting in a painful loss of 38 pds, thereby showing I have a long way to go in terms of being financially indpendent and responsible.
- Made my own personal snowman, a lifetime dream only made possible by a freak snowfall, the last big one, which occurred a month b4 summer! Also a snowball fight, in which i nearly lost my spectacles.
- Carlsberg chicken anyone?

And to finish, random quotes while cooking in church to raise funds for a camp last weekend..

"Everyone says its better to be Mary than Martha*, but without Martha, everyone would have just gone hungry"

"When we are too busy to pray, we are too busy."

"Some people pray only when they're in trouble. Maybe that's why they're in trouble."

"Heart of Worship( the song) being based on Amos 5"

"What do you get when you cross maize with porridge?"
"Corny 'chouk'(porridge in chinese) as in corny joke" (not by me...a law student no less!)


*Mary and Martha were 2 women in the bible. Mary took time to listen to Jesus, and Martha made herself busy preparing food etc and didn't take time to be with Jesus when he came to visit them.

On A Happier Note

And for those from a warmer climate, look what we woke up to today! Being the normal grumpy self after sleep, I didn't notice till hsupheen squealed.

agnes jones in the snow.

Though 2 months late in coming, snow is always welcome...Didn't have time for a fight or a snowman though, as we were rushing for a session with out gp tutor.

From the other side

It feels weird to be writing this, particularly as I have been on the other side of the fence before. Having been in a leadership position before and now being a member of the CU in the UK, I am able to see things from 'down below' so to speak.

Things like coming for meetings and events, praying for ppl and activities, the whole idea of vision and purpose seems somehow less urgent and far away. The idea that CU is a united body of Christ doesn't seem to make sense when I go and find it so hard to talk to ppl, having to initiate conversations that are really inane sometimes. Doesn't make it easier that most of the people seem to know each other, leaving me most of the time standing around wondering whom to talk to next...mayb someone who doesn't look like they're having fun talking to others, and can be bothered to talk to That Asian Guy(well don't look at me that way, it feels that way sometimes).

Granted, I do have a few ppl that I know(after half a year, i'd better have!) and that i generally run to after CU meetings to talk to, but I wonder, is it really this hard for a newcomer to feel loved and accepted?

I guess I really came to realise this after not attending a meeting which turned out to be the AGM and getting an email from the president to the effect that the AGM turned out unofficial cos less than half the members turned up. It ended with a call to consider our membership if we were among the absentees and to genuinely think about whether we were really committed to being members of CU. On my part, I can't say I really blame him, understanding his concern and his desire to see a united CU. However, another part of me wonders why I found it so easy not to go for the meeting that nite, and why I don't share(well apparently rite, since I didn't go) his passion and vision.

Bottom line: a decision I will have to make and stand by, cos if everything comes down to emotions, then our God-given brains are for nothing.

Decision then: I chose to go to CU even when I committed to LCGC early on because I believed this: that the gospel is for everyone, not only for the chinese in liverpool, and that I would like to be part of God's work amongst and for the locals as well. Guess this is the price I need to pay for it then.

Gosh, and I'm not even being persecuted yet...so much for standing up under pressure.

The journey so far

I'm not ready to be honest about a lot of things. I pray that in time I will be. Not only with myself, but with others in the family of Christ, with my leaders, with friends. Of course, it's unrealistic to expect myself to open up to everyone, I'm pretty glad I'm not that kind of person anyway!

Still, I'm glad we took the step to meet up tonight. Though most of it was just talking, and sharing, and really still quite structured,(haha my dislike of processes apparent here) I think it's good that we still keep meeting up week after week. Julia shared from her heart tonight, as always, and with Ed and Angel and Herb sharing and encouraging each other, I'm honestly honoured to be a part of the journey that we are sharing together as people wanting to see change, firstly in our lives, and in the lives of those we come into contact with.

We are going to have fun this weekend. Southampton ppl coming down, and with captainball on sat, I'm going to get some much-needed exercise. Finally! Also bought a new desk lamp from argos only to find out my last one works fine when I plug it into a new outlet...Sigh. Well, it'll make a good one for my sister when I go home in the summer:-)

Ed finally had his hair cut! By 3 people who had no prior experience b4 coming over to the UK...Of course, Jack, Hsupheen and I couldnt resist getting out hands dirty as well.. And the result wasn't too bad, pretty impressive actually, as you can see below.



Juniors have started emailing me asking for info on Liverpool. Sigh, looks like the seasons are changing again. Seems just yesterday I was one of the eager beavers(well, actually Jack and Alex were way more interested in getting info b4 we came over), and here I am, one of THEM who went over, having to promote our unis..Oh well, all I can say is:

Seremban isn't that bad, costs a lot less, and if you want a real UK experience, go to the highlands and wear shorts all day while eating potatoes and chips!

I dread to think that I spent hundreds of thousands of ringgit coming over 'just to escape the Malaysian/old-school method of consultants screwing students who don't know their stuff' Or just to 'experience the Biritish culture' or just to 'get a better standard of teaching'. Making decisions based on peer/parent pressure while not really praying about it...Thats just me having random thoughts. Btw, I think my reasons were the last 2.

Whats this Sunday.

Someone turning 24, making me feel pretty old thinking that by the end of this year, I'll be 23.

Someone whom I got to know since secondary school, who would shout outside my house on sunday mornings calling me to go to church, who would insist on doing weird things like eating all the leftovers after breakfast at stalls for RM10 or playing basketball at night in church after studying at 1am.

I recall the doubles match that we won together, which was probably the tennis achievement I felt best about for quite a while, the time I scolded him for breaking school rules as a prefect, and later on, accepting that he would do such things anyway, cos some of the rules were pretty illogical.

Of sharing Star Wars novels and later, other books to tide him over his exams. The times he gave me advice not so much by words but by the way he lived.

I still remember the songs he wrote, which he used to sing to me on my piano at home. Still like the one we used for musical in MYF best...for the record, its If Only. The time he sang Leaving On A Jetplane on his last day at school. The talks about contemporaries we used to have, the times we shared concerns about common friends. The time we talked on msn about his girlfriend.

Ed shared this verse with me tonite:
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." Gal 1:10

Seems to speak about Jin particularly well, since as far as I've known, he's never been one to willingly conform to public opinion, especially where God's Will is clear for him.

Happy bday Jin. See you in June. Say hi to Chen May for me.

Can't Hear You!

What others have realised in a matter of weeks, I have only come to realise now. I need to speak up. I need to take the initiative. I need to make my views heard. No matter if they're wrong or right(but preferably not too idiotic), cos both ways, I'll remember my mistakes and/or feel good about myself.

Cos if I don't ,I'll lose out on experience, on practicing opportunities, on applying what I've studied, and risk everyone thinking I'm some kind of dummy who only speaks when spoken to. Like yesterday, where I spent the whole day not actually doing ONE single clinical exam, even though I've done it so many times back home!

It's hard when I have this mentality that says I don't know enough to be able to give an answer, that I don't know all the details and therefore am not qualified to answer. That I don't feel confident enough to do the exam and therefore not step up to the plate(or the patient). Which in theory, sounds correct; I mean, who wants to make a fool of themselves?

Right up till I realise that in the UK, even if you don't know stuff, you're gonna answer, cos no one knows everything(except for a select few). And no one's gonna tell you off(again, except for a select few) if you don't know all the steps, as long as you do know the main points. Everyone's more concerned with trying, and learning and being much the wiser for the experience of having ppl laugh at them, or correct them.

Oh well, as alex says; You learn something new everyday!

Went flyering today for the Christian Union's Mission Week. It didn't help that I was doing it with 2 loaves of Hovis bread slung on one arm(side note: I3 ppl have the amazing ability to consume a 800g loaf in A DAY!!)

Felt weird cos it was my first time ever doing something that ,I would hate to have seen done. It kind of helps you develop empathy for these ppl..Those fellows giving out flyers...it actually takes a lot of courage to keep getting rejected and to still keep promoting whatever it is that they're promoting. When all they're doing is just what BBC and CNN are doing on a much larger scale: Spreading the news of events to ppl who otherwise might not have been able to hear about them.

Resolved to at least take whatever was being offered to me next time around and if I must dispose of it, at least when I'm out of their sight:-)

In 5 years time

I just think I don't know enough sometimes. Mostly just to scare myself into actually working and studying.

What kind of doc would I be? How much would I know by then(or how little)? Would I look at an old lady with diabetes with compassion, or as a constellation of problems? Will I know the normal levels of glycosylated Hb by then to tell whether her glycemic control is good? Would I have the courage to tell her firmly that she needs to choose between losing her foot or risk losing her entire leg? Would I know enough to prescribe the right amount and type of insulinfor her? How about other drugs if she has a concurrent urinary tract infection? Would I remember to take her age and body weight into consideration while writing out drug prescriptions?

And after doing all that, would I be able to do the same for the 10 other patients in the ward? And the ward after that?

Need to study more, to practice more, to play less and watch less stuff on my laptop.

Good strings

"So Jon ah...I couldnt find the strings you wanted la."

"Er...ok(rubs eyes sleepily)."

"But ah, I got good strings for the guitar instead."

"Er, ok. What strings did you get> What's the name?"

"Good strings."

"Er...yeah. But what's the brand?"

"Good strings loh. Seems to be good I guess."

"Er...no the brand la."

"It says here good strings."

"Er...ok la...Should be fine...I.."

*Goes offline*

"Rats" *Goes back to sleep*

And when hsupheen came back, she handed me :

Well, can't argue with that I suppose.

Standing in God's way.

Lord I want to serve You,
Lord I want to know You more,
Lord I want to see You,
To hear You say well done,
Lord I want to meet You,
Lord I want to let You lead,
Lord I say all this,
But what do I mean?
Cos it's hard to do the things I say,
How can You lead when I'm standing in the way?

Lord I need You to intervene,
To break me down, to wash me clean,
Lord I need You to change my heart,
To give new life, a brand new start,
I know You can do all of this today,
Why am I standing in Your way?

Lord come in and intervene,
Come break me down, come wash me clean,
Lord take and change my heart,
I claim new life, a brand new start,
Lord You can do all this today,
Cos I'm getting out of Your way.

Just another nudge from God today. Its about action. I say that I trust Him, yet I am betrayed by my actions. So it's a challenge then. To live NOT necessarily the life that I, ME, MYSELF would enjoy living, but knowing that God will take care of the 'enjoying' part(Matt6:33). To be pushed out of where I'm comfortable and know God is with me 'to the very end of the age'. So in essence, it's all lip service until I allow God that amount of trust which says He DOES know best. And that I don't have to take matters into my own hands, because His are much bigger.

While I enjoy hearing from God(it bolsters my confidence that there IS indeed a God), I am looking forward to the day when God speaks more than just having to rebuke me. And yes, Jack and Alex, I somehow know its God speaking. Sort of like when I know someone, when I hear his/her voice, I know who it is.

Elder Michael passed away today, one of the reasons which led to this post. Do keep his family in prayer. He'll be alright.

Thanks Shubs and Squeaks. Miss you guys too.

Haven't seen anyone in paeds wear one of these yet:-)

Mayb its time to create history!

From Oxford Clinical Handbook of Medicine

An example of the futility of modern medicine:

Causes(of acute pancreatitis) 'GET SMASHED': Gallstones, Ethanol, Trauma, Steroids, Mumps, Autoimmune (PAN), Scorpion venom, Hyperlipidaemia (^ Ca2+, hypothermia), ERCP, (also emboli), Drugs (eg azathioprine, asparaginase, mercaptopurine, pentamidine, didanosine, ?diuretics); also pregnancy. Often none found. (last italics mine)

Forgive me, Oxford Clinical Handbook of Medicine. You're actually pretty good at being funny that way.

Fighting with bitchy housemates - Jack on MSN

Jack's nick on MSN was exactly what it said, except for the bitchy part.. I don't know what mademe suggest it, mayb due to some sad attempt to let off exam steam, but there it was:

Playstation tournament in I3!

Contestants: Alex, Ed, Jack and I

Games: Capcom VS Marvel, Granturismo 2, and some footie game I haven't the foggiest about..

At stake: Last out of the four gets the envied cooking position on Sunday! Third runner up washes..

Well, having not played PS before, but having watched Street Fighters being played ages and ages ago, I took on Ed with the WAR MACHINE(some Marvel character).


Unfortunately, Ed seems to play this thing in his sleep, and wiped the floor with my (sorry, WAR MACHINE'S) ass. Not a good start. Next I face Alex, and decide to keep the same character, after all, if he was a Marvel character, he cant be THAT bad... And for a while, it looked as though I was going somewhere other than fourth place. WAR MACHINE apparently can do this super power where he shoots missiles up in the air which rains down on the opponent. And he has this other super power where he hoists a HUGE gun/laser thingy on his shoulder and proceeds to blast the daylights out of...anyway.. As I was saying, though things looked pretty for a while, destiny overtook me, and I was left on the floor with Alex grabbing the 3rd place. So, at the end of the first round, the points were:

Ed/Jack in front, Alex with 2 points and ol' me with 1 point.

Next up, GT2...Some racing game. Wouldnt you know it, in my hastiness to drift and slide and brake etc etc, I end up turning around and going in the opposite direction more than once. Basically I''m hopeless. I feel like I have 'ten thumbs' like I read in the medical magazine, which, incidentally tells me I'm not surgeon material. Ed and Alex race past me in record times, leaving me choking in the fumes of their cars running in the opposite direction.

Ed got 4 points here, Jack/Alex somewhere behind, and me with 1 point

Footie to finish off, with me in last place, the fight is on to see who washes up. I play Alex first, self proclaimed master of the pitch. And really, he moves me around really well, though I'm proud of my goalie...he saved every ball...except for one. ANd I'm into my final game. This time though, I'm up against Jack, so it's relatively easier since both of us are learning this together. The ball lies at his goalie's feet, and my player runs towards it. Jack waits, anticipating the foul, and the red card that is to come. Except that it doesnt. My player deftly dribbles away with the ball, passes, and shoots into an empty goalmouth. "But I thot TACKLE KEEPER MEANS FOUL ONE??" Jack shouts, while Alex and I double over with laughter. The turning point. My team(Arsenal, I'm ashamed to say) play with renewed vigour, another goal being scored in the second half after a running pass was hit past the keeper. And now, its all up to Ed. He beats Alex to win the overall prize. Rest on Sunday evening while I toil in the kitchen.

There's talk of making this a weekly event. Goodbye to peaceful Sundays then.

Not to mention, nasi lemak on Sat nite just before the tournament was pretty cool. We had it with rendang and sambal and 2 types of egg.


Oh, one final note: my previous post...is an illustration of how my relationship with God has been recently. Nothing more.

Her

I guess I never knew how nice hair could smell, until I rested my chin on her head. The familiar fragrance, fresh and clean brought a smile to my face. Feeling the shape of my chin move, she smiled too. They say smells bring back powerful memories....

"Where are you going?" "I thought we had plans to meet up tonight." The look on her face caught my attention. But I was too far gone.

"Er..I've got work to do. Finals are coming up and I haven't studied." Man, lying is easy. Lying well isn't. Hope this works.

"Oh." A single word just before I turned away and started walking. But the look on her face stayed with me. Not angry, not frustrated, not hurt. Just sad, with a tinge of concern.

* * * *

Moving through the store, looking idly at items on shelves. Wondering with half a mind whether I actually had enough money to be here in the first place. Didn't I just spend over half my weekly allowance already? Then coming to a stop, eyes fixed on an object. A backscrub. Obviously a toy, but....memories of an idiotic song about a backscrub and a bath came flooding back. It was the weird song we had in common, singing it to the amazement of others. She would have laughed if she was here. And at the memory of her laugh, I smiled again.


"Hi, you doing alright? You're really the greatest, you know. And, by the way, while I'm here, could you look into some of my stuff? I'm not really sure if I should be going to Coddlington next summer. What do you think?"

She gave me a bemused look before opening her mouth to speak. Obviously, when written like that, you all know she's not gonna get a chance to finish before..

"Anyway, just thought I'd run that by you. Also, a friend just called in sick. Wouldn't it be nice if you could make him better? You know, what with you being the doctor and all."

"Well, tell me more abo-", she began.

"Well, hope you do, anyway. Hey, got to go. I'll be thinking about you. Did I tell you thanks for the pasta you cooked for me last night? See you around."

"Take care." she called out, just as I went out to hospital to begin my day.

* * * *

Coming home from a day in hospital isn't nice when you know you've got tons of work to do before going to bed late and waking up early the next morning to do it all over again. Especially when you know there's not nearly enough time to catch a nap before having to start on that report you have to hand up before this friday. But surprise, surprise, she calls. And I spend fifteen minutes on the phone before switching to skype and talking for another hour. I tell myself, I need to take a break. Which in all honesty, I do. It's good to be able to pour out my frustrations at the missed diagnosis, at the unrequested lab results, at the overbearing consultant. And hearing from her that she's also worried about me, that she knows what I'm going through, that she doesn't mind me not being there for her when she found out she aced her exams, because she knows how med school is like. She's touched when I tell her I miss her, and that I've made plans for the both of us during the holidays. We laugh at each other, we chat about friends, she prays for me over the phone, because she knows I need it. The tone of her voice, the little mannerisms of speech, her honest sense of concern for me speaks volumes and leaves me with a warm feeling all over hours when the conversation is over. It's nice to know there's someone who cares and understands.


I wake up one morning to find out it's been a month. A whole month of not seeing her, not talking to her, not hearing her voice. At least, I think I remember calling her, but I don't remember listening to her speak. With a start, I find myself struggling to recall the sound of her voice. Has it really been that long? How must she be feeling? I read the letters she sent over the holidays. It doesn't help that I'm still feeling drowsy as I do so, and that the main thought in my mind is how soon I can get back to sleep. I end the letter, and as I fold it up, think to myself "I really have to call her soon." I'm asleep before I finish that thought.

* * * *

How in the world did she know I needed that book so badly? I was casting around for information about living as a missionary doctor, but for some strange reason, no one seemed to be able to give me any. The deadline was fast approaching, and I had to submit my proposal. That evening, going up to my room, I received a parcel in the mail. With it, a letter reading "Read it, this is good stuff. Happy birthday." And I don't even need to know the name of the sender, because the inside of the parcel still has the faint whiff of a very familiar fragrance... Unwrapping the book and reading the blurb on the back, a warm feeling surges over me as I realise that I'm holding the book that will give me, finally, some answers. But the clincher, the defining thought, is of how she remembered my last minute groan during my last phone call to her, for answers to a question. And of how she came through.


Later on, when I wake up, and see the letters strewn at the foot of my bed, I begin to take stock. Clutching my cup of hot coffee to keep me warm as much as to keep me awake, I review the past few months. I have not called her, nor made much effort to speak to her, aside from the almost obligatory call at thursday night every week.
"Phone bills are expensive. You're a student. She'll understand" The thought comes almost unbidden to my mind.
Neither have I made any effort to listen to her the few times we've met. It's always been about me, and my needs and worries. Talk about a one-sided relationship. And speaking of relationships, is it even fair to say that I'm in the middle of one? Can I call it a relationship when I have to force myself to pick up the phone, when I barely spend time to think about her through the busyness of the day, when the thought of forgoing her means less than a round of Dota with the gang?

And I guess you can see where I'm going with this by now, probably much earlier than this, since I'm not much of a writer. How is it possible to treat God with such contempt, to label myself as having a relationship with Him if I'm not holding up my end of it? As someone said, it's not even about priorities at this point. If you love someone, it's just right that that someone is first in consideration. Spending time with Him? That's just one of the facets of a relationship, NOT THE RELATIONSHIP ITSELF. Jesus said nothing could ever separate us from His love. If that isn't a declaration of love, I don't know what is. Trouble is, what would my response be?

Note to self: am not trying to be melodramatic and making the best of a bad situation etc etc. Am just expressing what I felt during a prayer group just now.

* * * *

I picked up the phone and called her. And she answered.

One hurdle crossed

Its finally done. And it's just the beginning. There's more to come. But it can wait. I'm going to take a break.

From my email Inbox

Dear Friends, Michael continues to improve and if he continues improving any more the doctors will probably remove the breathing tube tomorrow. The infection seems to be abating, which we believe is another miracle in answer to prayer, but he still needs a lot more prayer. At this rate of improvement it is still very likely that he will need to have an operation to stop a repeat infection. The operation is dangerous and especially so for someone who has had a cardiac arrest. The pus cell count has come down from 33 on Monday to 17 today. Michael has even started to pass urine again, so our prayers on Sunday that even his kidneys would still be able to function has been answered. Before he was taken sick, Michael was having trouble with high blood pressure, now that he has improved to some extent, his blood pressure has risen above normal again, which is something else the doctors need to take into consideration now. Yours prayerfully, Pastor David.

If any of you have been praying, thought you might like to know this. Thanks for praying guys. There's actuall a website by pastor where you can check on updates on Elder Michael's condition if you are interested.

On other fronts, I have been:
- slightly discouraged after exams but knowing where I stand.
- encouraged that I managed to fluff something out of the miserable mess that was my CTM.
- encouraged that people have started responding to my elective pleas, even if it is to redirect me to other places.
- encouraged by getting to interact A BIT more with my rotation mates(besides the malaysians I mean).
- discouraged after I realise I seem to be drifting away from God since I came here.
- encouraged that I'm able to be honest with myself and God and willing to find my way back to Him.
- encouraged by the changes I hear about back home, about the changes in friends who are facing problems far greater than mine, more humbled actually.(To you guys, it really means a lot to see you fighting the good fight the right way!)

So in total, I guess I'm slightly more encouraged than discouraged. Which, I think, is a good thing. Cos I plan, expect and dream about this year in more than a few aspects. There are things I want to accomplish, stuff I want to see happen in my life, and in the lives of others. Mainly about 3/4 things, which occupy some slight amount of my time, and which I'm going to bring before God this weekend.

Well, lest I end up all mouth and no action, I guess I'd better get started on getting to grips with the sample size calculation for my CTM. Can't wait for the minute I finally ask Jack to print out the finished paper!

I'm sorry

Father in heaven, forgive me for not worshipping you, especially in song for much of the past month. For treating quiet times with you as an obligation, for seeing church as merely a club for the weary and needful, and most of all, for trivialising You and putting myself in the driving seat instead. It's amazing how a hunger for you can be so easily buried in the day to day activities, and so stifled in the pursuit of other objectives.

Your Name is great, Lord, and You are indeed worthy of all praise, putting new songs in me when I come to You with a hungry and open heart. Come in and take control all over again, Lord.

Help!

Btw, if anyone is in the know of available placements for a medical mission trip around june/july of next year, please do let me know. I think CREST SIM and OMF don't like me. No replies yet to my long letter. Maybe I should call.. Had no idea going on such a trip was so complicated.

Harold Cohen Library

Thats where I spent the greater part of Friday. In a large computer lab. 12 HOURS. Well, if you want to be technical, it'd be around 11 hours plus. But it's pretty close. And I would like to be pleased with myself for sticking to it in order to finish the ridiculous CTM, if not for the fact that I'm pretty sure my eyes have degenerated to red and puffy and my sight has probably gone down a few notches too. The last time this happened, way back in Form 6: 12 hours of Fallout 2, I actually enjoyed it.

When I crash into someone on the road, or poke into a wrong vein ten years from now, I'm gonna blame Liverpool Uni for giving me such a project to do, and myself for being so serious about doing it well.

Now a cold walk home in the dark. If I don't get mugged like in Paris, I'll write again tmrw(today).

O ye of little faith

WELL! The email came with a heading that I'm ashamed to say, was most unexpected.

"Elder Michael is showing some improvement"

And this after being told that scans showed massive gangrene in his abdomen, with organs shutting down all over. And now doctors are getting reluctant to take him off life support, along with a recount of the previous 2% chance given of his survival. They met to pray for him yesterday evening, and I didn't go. Possibly because I was tired out from a whole day out in hospital, but also probably because I'd sort of given up hope. Felt out of sorts last night, but with mind on other matters. This morning was good though. Encouraged by God's word reminding me why He came: to set me free.

And so, the burden is lifted, though exams are still on monday, and CTM needs to be done, and elder michael is still in hospital. No matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, we are not bound by circumstances, nor words, nor fears, nor insecurities.

Not because we are in denial, or because we are not being realistic, but because we accept the fact that WE ARE FREE! Free to trust in a unchanging King, free to show others the way without feeling guilty, free to live a victorious life that He bought for us.

To the pessimists and the realists: there is always hope. Especially when the source of hope is Someone who's walked down the dreaded path of your fears, and lived to tell the tale.

Of work and death.

4 days into the new year, and I find myself being busy for what has to be the first time since stepping into Liverpool. Its preposterous, but I think(together with the rest of the I3 people) that we're finally settling down to work after a four months of play and travelling(yes tim, seems there was an element of truth in that after all).

Anyway, I'm thankful to discover I can still work when faced with it. Tiring no doubt, but paeds promises to be fun, in a hard work sort of way. Our supervisor is really well organised, and we have a good mix of people to work with, so these 2 months should be fun.

CTM(my research exercise) is still giving me a headache though. The problem is that I have no way of checking what I'm doing, since my convenor has decided not to reply my mails. Comparing 3 therapies seemed a good idea at first, but the amount of background reading I've had to do is just horrendous. And when I find I have to divide the people tested by age and sex among other criteria, it creates too many variables to consider! And as much as I try not to think about it, I think I've approached the topic wrongly; instead of finding out why my research needs to be done, I've gone looking merely for something that has not been done before.

Just realised I'm not making much sense probably. Oh well, it's not as if research was something I was hot for anyway...

Have recently heard that one of my church leaders has been placed on life support following a sudden collapse over the New Year. Had no idea that acute pancreatitis could turn so bad so fast. Multi organ failure set in in a matter of days. He's going to be taken off life support tomorrow.
The thought has crossed my mind more than once: Is there any point to keep praying? Where should I draw the line? It's not as if death is the end.
The other side thinks: God has done the impossible before. He has brought the dead to life. He's capable of anything. Where's your faith?
And the third mind, which seems to kick in a lot recently, thinks: This is only the beginning..when you're a doc, death will come regularly. How will you deal with it then?

Well, we'll keep praying till thursday anyway. God's Will be done.

Time to get back to work.

Surprise, surprise..

Discovery of the day: my sis has a blog!

And while reading it, I realised how much I have yet to learn about her. And the distance is not helping any, too. Am going to ask her permission to link my blog to hers. I think she writes very honestly, about stuff which I never thought she'd ever open up with. This is going to be an interesting journey..

And exams in a week! Have jsut found out belatedly how behind I am; need to review the basics of CVS, RS, GI, CNS and Endo in a week's time, plus reading up on ethics, comm skills, practicing OSCEs and on top of that, writing up my full proposal for my research topic(which btw, seems to be getting more and more complicated). Skipping grocery shopping today may help, and it may not.

Will post some interesting facts on hypnosis later...when I get organized.

Thanks Richard and Ai Wei

For letting us crash in his apartment. With his wife, Ai Wei, and the rest of the gang from student fellowship to welcome in the new year. Everybody bring a dish, lots of good food, playstation, big tv and cards...a great way to spend the last evening of 2005 - with friends around instead of burning in front of the computer screen.

Chew's KimGary french toast, with Marks and Spencer cake, lots of curry chicken, lasagne and even a crepe wannabe, with a bottle of white. I found out I'm rubbish at PS2...being beaten by Nu Wee(is that how you spell it?) in Burnout, and by Jack in footie...

Waiting for the countdown..

And the countdown from London on tv, with the fireworks right after. Chew nearly spending the first minute of 2006 in the loo, but joining in the raccuous shouts greeting 2006 after we got confused by the countdown from the tv, which didn't match the clock in the background.

2005 was great in retrospect. Quite a year of changes for me, from the last semester in IMU, to the first 4 months in Liverpool. I've learnt some lessons, seen how small my existing worldview is, and had a glimpse of what I need to be doing to grow. The fun moments were numerous, and the 'blocked out' ones were none too few either. Different people have made an impact in my life, and I have been continually humbled. Yet it has also been the year in which I've travelled the most, the year I've been away from home the longest, the year I've seen previously unshakeable things in a totally different light....Can't wait to see what God's gonna do this year.

Wonder, as always, how I'm gonna feel at the end of this year.

Welcome in, 2006.

Aftermath

Well, back from a hefty 9 days of holiday...First 4 in Paree, next in Yong Loi Ee's place in London, and the last 4 in Uncle Hee Liong's in Bedford.

First off, a round of thank yous:

To - Kenny, Aiky, Sheng Yeeng, Esther and Angeline...for being great to travel around with and bug and just laugh about things, even when it's cold, or after being mugged. And especially to Aiky, for being a great travel guide.

Paris was great fun, and very scenic...Plus we left enough to warrant a return trip! It was actually colder than England...and the French; it was the first time I'd felt foreign since coming out of cosy Malaysia. Aiky did a really good blog about Paris, which you can read here.

The churches were magnificent, their ceilings stretched high above our heads, our voices changing to whispers as we walked in. Stained glass windows would abound in every church, unspoiled by vandalism and seemingly untouched by time. The clincher for me was attending Mass in the Basilica Sacre Coeur; though naturally impaired due to the obvious language barrier, the chorus by the nuns was beautifully sung. And at St Severin, another church, when the organ played out of nowhere, it was the icing on the cake. I'd imagined how the sound would come out, ever since I'd read a description of a full cathedral organ being played, and it did not disappoint. The bass swelled out massively, while the high pitch rolled around smoothly yet coquettishly above the din. Though the organist didn't play my fav: Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring, it was still a great experience.

The Eiffel Tower and the Louvre were all that they promised to be. We actually rushed quite a bit, till we got to the paintings. Not being much of an artist, I held back for a bit. But soon we realised, despite our lack of technicality, how much we appreciated the use of colour and tones. The silk in one painting looked as though we could feel it's lightness, while the king's furs in another drawing looked heavy. The Mona Lisa for me, was a bit of an overstatement however. Possibly this may have been because I didn't take too much time with it, owing to the crowds of people jostling around it, or that the paintings before were just as, or even more eye-catching. We got to meet up Lena, Chiaming and family after that, which was good.

Food wise, I can't really say that I had a lot of French cuisine, save the excellent baguette, which we had for bfast every morning. It was a treat to come down to the cosy communal kitchen where backpackers of all races would congregate to receive their rations consisting of a baguette roll, butter, jam and juice. Cornflakes and coffee would follow - a true breakfast for ppl on the go! On the last night, however, we dined at a restaurant famed for their seafood. Certainly the salmon was good...tasty with every bite. And Kenny got the waiter to say "Bon Appetit!" before we ate!

To Ee and Uncle Hee Liong, Ben, Aunt Penny and Uncle Chuong - thanks for the extra kg that I put on, and the movies, and the books, and understanding how late I'd sleep in!

It was a real treat coming back from Paris to a home base with home cooked food and beds. After seeing off the Dundonians and Angeline off the next day, it was great to prop up both feet and relax. And when I met Uncle HeeLiong at the station the next day, and drove through a park to his house, I began to feel the best part of my holiday was not over yet.

Christmas at Bedford was great. From meeting Ben and Elisabeth whom I haven't seen for ages, to having Christmas lunch with the family with all the traditions like pulling the crackers with people next to you, carving the joint, waiting for Christmas pudding to the ceremonial opening of presents under the tree. It was all good fun, despite the cats that they owned, which to be fair, were really well behaved:-) The rest of the time was spent reading, either in bed or out of it, and watching tv(Spirited Away rocks!, and saw Dr. Who for the first time..) And waking up one morning, drawing the curtains of my room(which i had to myself) and seeing this:



Uncle Choung and I went mad with our cameras that morning. In fact, I've no idea how to link stuff up to my blog, and worked out the Multiply link fairly recently. May yet be changing it in the near future. Most of my recent photos are there, so there'll be less on my blog(only the ones that mean something, anyway). Btw, Aiky, if you're reading this, hope you don't mind me linking up my blog to yours..

Plus received photos of YokeLi/Ah Liang's wedding today, which were great!

I'm still trying to work out how to lose the extra weight:-)

This Christmas

Imagine above the peaceful town of Bethlehem, in the blackness of the air to the far reaches of space, a battle going on. Angels battling with demons in a deadly struggle that has lasted since the dawn of evil. Battalions of constellations being marshaled, stars dueling amongst themselves, flashes of light signaling defeat and victory on both sides. Planets bursting into supernova while black holes create vortexes of oblivion. Satan and God, locked in mortal combat for one objective; the souls of the people on a lonely little planet in an insignificant system called the Milky Way.

God? Satan? If God is the Creator of all things, then Satan is the destroyer. A long time ago, God made man; Adam and Eve. Not long after, both of them made the decision to reject God and go their own way. This has been the case for all humans from that time onwards. Since then, God has been working to bring them and their descendants back to Him; to save them from certain death at Satan’s hands. For Satan is the source of all evil in the world, and he wants humanity to himself.

For ages, no side had gained an advantage over the other. God’s armies would win significant victories, but Satan always managed to sneak in a particularly devastating attack when no one expected it. This was one such battle, above the consciousness of most people happily sitting down to a quiet dinner in their homes. But on this night, something would happen that would change the course of the eternal war forever.

Even farther above the battle raging, in a secret, quiet chamber, Jesus was in council with God. “After understanding everything You have to do, do You still want to go through with it?” God asked.

Almost immediately Jesus answered, “Yes. There is no other way since we planned this right at the beginning of time.”

And in a more quiet tone, He added, “And, besides, I want to do this. For them.”

God looked into Jesus’ eyes, and saw eyes overflowing with love. “Godspeed then, my Son.” He said, with tears in His own eyes.

For this secret mission, 2 elite angels were assigned to Jesus as escort. Satan must at all costs be kept from finding out the true purpose of Jesus’ sacrifice. Taking leave of God, they sped off in a streak of light. As they entered into the battlezone, things became serious. Two crack demons spied the trio, and zeroed in on them. Sensing danger, the 2 angels held back, drawing off the demons and leaving Jesus a clear path to Earth. They knew the important thing was that Jesus should get through, even at the cost of their own lives. Knowing Satan had defenses around Earth, which was still mostly a stronghold of the Enemy back then, Jesus entered earth’s atmosphere and began immediate transformation into human form.

And thus began the life of Jesus on earth, which was the start of God’s plan to save humanity from eternal death. Like Hitler after D-Day, Satan knew this was the beginning of his end.

This is the image of Christmas I would like to leave with you. A message of an amazing sacrifice made at great cost. A thrilling tale of secret infiltration into an enemy-held stronghold. An account of a Father’s sacrifice and a Son’s love.

How does this involve us?

For it was through this plan that Jesus was born to Mary. He lived His life for one purpose: to die and rise again (Project Easter). For Jesus knew that without help, we were doomed to spend eternity without God, in Satan’s hands. His death replaced our own deaths, and when He rose again, alive, He showed His defeat of death; the key that Satan used to keep people from God. Now mankind had a fighting chance, if they would only believe in Him.

And it all started that night, when Jesus infiltrated earth to reach us.

So, when you sit down to Christmas dinner, or reach for ‘just one more’ glass of Christmas lager, think about what it cost for Jesus to be born. And when you open your first present, remember God’s original gift to humanity; Jesus. A gift that Satan has no chance of taking away. A gift that gives us the chance for us to return to God, our Creator.

What will you choose to do with this Gift?

Dedicated to..

Honestly, it doesn't get much worse than this:-) Sitting in from of my laptop, eating a precious packet of maggi mee while reading MYFer's blogs about Sitiawan, about how Sitiawan has 7-Eleven now(really?) and trying not to feel homesick and left out of the picture..

Today(which has already passed in Malaysia), the 17th of Dec 2005, a significant event which has been talked and speculated about in the annals of the youth in Sitiawan Wesley MYF has occurred. A union of souls long foretold.

By now the music will have played, the vows would have been read, the kiss sealing the bond between two hearts intertwined with God for eternity. The youth would have much to say on this (if JoLynn has anything to do with it, that is..) occasion, and the church would have been packed with friends and well wishers. And right about this time, they would be having dinner, the hall packed with people who knew the bride and bridegroom growing up, both from an adult point of view, as well as friends growing up together with them.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28

Dedicated to Ling Yoke Li and Low Tze Liang.

Christmas dinner

Well, monday hasn't been this fun in ages.

Christmas dinner preparations started with an early morning shopping trip to ASDA, which saw our first misjudgement of the day. Looking at turkeys, we rashly decided we would require a turkey for 8-10 ppl. On arriving home, we discovered the turkey would take 2 whole days to defrost.

However, the eternal optimist in us arose, and we settled for 4 hours in a blocked sink filled with hot water. Then the cooking had to be divided amongst the 8 of us. Hsupheen's friend agnes and jack's friend christine were joining us so we had extra help. Howver, things were looking bad around 3pm when the turkey had not gone into the oven(it was supposed to take 3-4 hours to roast in time for dinner at 7). The sun burst through the clouds, however, when we discovered agnes was a hidden store of roast turkey know-how. She promptly took charge, as you can see here..



Agnes stuffing the turkey (into the neck and rear cavities like the paper says)









We had to leave halfway for a workshop on our CTM, so we left the guests in control of the kitchen. The workshop turned up pretty boring but we were presented with the fact that we would be splitting up to go for different hospitals in our fourth year. More on that in another entry mayb. We hurried home determined to eat our hearts out.

Meanwhile preparations were going on full swing. Ed had a sudden inspiration for baked potatoes, and between alex, tricia and himself, whipped up a killer sauce which smelt like heaven. The veg of beans, carrots and mushrooms were being boiled and the cold meats were getting warmed up in the microwave. Jack roamed around wondering what brandy sauce was meant for.


Christine and agnes finding out what it meant to be a guest in I3..

The turkey took an awful long time to roast. We didn't help matters much by opening it every so often to check on it.

But soon, all things come to an end. For better or worse, our first Christmas dinner in the UK was ready to be eaten. And as always with IMU ppl, photos come b4 food..

This is when i discovered my camera's flash is not capable of lighting up its' own nose(that is, if it had one).

Jack head of I3 carving the turkey.

In my everlasting battle against tooth decay, I was joined by two recruits..

Preferences

One day a man came to a conclusion. He would pray, without fail, every single day, for 5 friends. Not a different set of 5 people everyday but for the same 5 people. And the prayer was for them to accept Jesus as their Lord and Saviour.

Why should this astonish me? I can think of no good reason on the top of my head, why this should give me reason to pause and reflect. I mean, between youth group and church back home, and with PC, Shawn and the rest bugging me in KL, it should come as no surprise; when we pray, God works.

Why then am I struck by a certain sense of, dare I say it, awe at this statement?

And going on to the fact that these 5 people are not exactly people you'd think of immediately when deciding who to invite to a quiet dinner with friends...People whom are 'not of our preference'. Oh I'm sure Christians love as Christ loves us, unconditionally and without looking at whether we can get that same love from them, in fact without looking at whether we can get ANYTHING from them. After all, there has to be a reason why love is the greatest in the company of such stalwarts as faith and hope right?

He kept on praying without fail, day after day. A few months after he started praying, one of them accepted Christ. His fervor unabated, he kept praying.

The fact is, that loving people is not all easy. In fact it is never really easy. Which is how it should be, I suppose, because it definitely was not easy for Christ to come and do what He did for us. But to get down to the very core of it, it's not even about the dying that I have seem to have an issue with. It's with loving people that don't share the same values that I do, that don't see for the life of them why someone would choose to give their life for something, or someone they can't even see. And to be honest, when I look at it from their point of view, it really takes faith to believe in Jesus, and in all honesty I can't blame them totally. But still the feeling lingers, sadly. Truth is, I think I have a preference issue.

Cue Peter and the sheet full of animals(Acts 10). Peter looks at it with disgust, and when God commands him to eat, says that he has never eaten anything impure(according to Jewish law) and that he is not going to start now. Soon after, 3 men come and ask him to visit Cornelius, an upstanding man in many respects, devout and God-fearing even(10:2). The only problem; Cornelius is a Gentile.
Peter goes off, knowing well that the equivalent of a Jew visiting a Gentile back then is like a Muslim eating pork now; it's against the law(10:28). But this is when God does something never before done in the history of the Bible up till this point. God sends the Holy Spirit upon Cornelius and all who were there when Peter arrived(10:44). Peter learned how God does not show favouritism(10:34).

Imagine what would happen if Peter chose to have another of his 'preference moments' and had not gone to Cornelius' house. The salvation of the Gentiles would have been delayed at best, deferred at worst.

What we stand for, and what we allow to block our way HAS CONSEQUENCES.

So I guess I really have 2 issues. The unconscious preferences in my mind of different people, and the persistence to love them unconditionally, wanting to see them in heaven with Jesus. Keep me in prayer for this guys.

Does the life I'm living provide an environment which triggers people to God?

On the day of Goerge Mueller's funeral, his 5th and final friend came to the Lord.

I think this is where I woke up during the Christian Union meeting:-)

Today

Met a patient whose wife became deaf when she turned 30. Shortly after that, she went for an eye op, which turned her blind in both eyes.

How do people communicate with a woman who is both blind and deaf? She'd be able to talk and shout and yell...she'd be able to feel people around her touching her and patting her on the back.

In short she'd be able to express herself, but wouldn't be able to receive input from others. She'd be without any sense of hearing and seeing...the two big ones for getting around. Sure, she'd be able to taste, and be able to feel and be able to smell..but how frustrating not to see and hear..

It doesnt matter if she's asleep or she's awake. Actually, she'd probably prefer to be asleep, cos' she'd probably hear fine in her dreams. While awake, though, it'd be a dark and silent world, punctuated with sudden touches that would probably shock her momentarily. She'd be irritated, scared and apprehensive at first, but later on, she'd probably welcome these touches...if only to prove to herself that she's still existing...that around her is a living, vibrant, noisy world, of which she can no longer enjoy.

Life does have a way of putting things into perspective.

EW, visitors, life in general.

Last 2 weeks been particularly busy for me..Actually now also, my to-do list is way too long to even bear thinking about! Plus I've developed this cough that I secretly suspect Ed of passing to me..or was it Hsupheen? But before i go into all that:

I know this is terribly not-the-guy-thing to do...but thanks su ling!

There was, first of all, the trouble of the visitors from Dundee..which I see Aiky has written about it in greater detail... Suffice it to say then, that as befits a bunch of girls, all Liverpool (the 2008 European Capital of Culture, no less!) had to offer them was a day full of shopping at Cheshire Oaks! This sandwiched between a large dinner that took 3 cooks working overtime after classes...late night talks (well, as late night as our schedules would permit!), the sounds of Dota from my laptop as Jack struggled to return to his former skills on my laptop as the girls took over his room for 2 nights...After all was said and done, having visitors around was definitely worth the trouble..brought back the days of IMU when all we had to do to see each other was to go to library, or wander up to rooftop for a Neslo ais...

Elaine was the first to go..


Life, as is so often said, moves on...which brings me to Encounter Weekend. Bringing together student fellowships from churches in Cardiff, Leeds, york, Nottingham and Liverpool, it was a time of reflection and of checking through for anything holding us back from encountering God. Sounds a mouthful? Well, for the 15 or so of us who went from Liverpool, it was a good time of being honest(with ourselves at least!) and coming together as a student fellowship...something I pray which will remain long after EW 2005 has finished and ceased to linger in our minds.....PLUS, it was the first time in goodness knows how many years that I finally got to sing the song "I've got heaven on the inside of me...peace and joy, God has set me free!" This dates back all the way to my first MYF Camp in Camerons...man..




Breakfast with Nottingham and York.












And really, coming up with a Critical Thinking Module title was not the easiest thing in the world to do! In fact, I distinctly recall telling IMU lecturers during my interview way back in 2003 that research was definitely not my thing.. Having to trawl through different websites in a desperate bid to come up with a research question that was viable, and had not been done before, it made me think. Of how much I Dont know about medicine; it's advances and it's areas of lack. Really, its amazing how much I accept from the books and lecturers and how much I dont question the quality of what has been taught and discovered. However, it's still a pain cos there's really so much that I could have looked into, but just did not have the time. Had to get it done sometime this year(by late Nov actually) so settled on a weird sounding topic based on my last rotation:

Is Hypnosis, CognitiveBehavioural Therapy(CBT), or a structured exercise regimen more effective in treating insomnia in patients with depressive disporder?

Ok, I'll wait till you guys stop laughing...

And as if I didnt think i already had enuf on my plate, I chose this weekend to play tennis at Nottingham. Jin...any memories yet? It was really a first for me...my first time playing tennis in dockers, with a tshirt and a sweater on top of it. Getting out in the first round meant i had extra time to meander around in the city(yup i know, excuses...) BUT i got to meet up Kathleen, Jennifer, Teck Guan and the others from Southampton..Didnt mention Wai Mun COS she was too busy shopping:-) Was a long and tiring day walking around, but catching up with each other was...well....at least we all got tired together. And wouldn't you know it? Was so busy rushing around till I FORGOT to recharge my camera's batteries, leaving an inevitable download one of these days on msn..

And i would be remiss if I frgot to mention the denizens of I3 kindly left a dinner for me when i came back...very nice:-)

Well, this has been something of a long post.Hope I didnt pull any of you too far off schedule..

Well, guess this has to be written...haha

Su Ling and Jien Ni...One without the other? Not likely..cos as long as I remember they always seemed to come together. Besides my orientation group members, these were probably the first two girls I was on speaking terms with in IMU in Sem 1. Still remember going out with them and Sam, and Elaine and Kah Yeong after Summative One... Man...my first outing in KL...when a movie was a big deal...and the one and only time we ever went to a fun fair at Bukit Jalil after that.

After that was CG and ping pong...eVENTs that come back are many and varied...the burglary at their place which left them traumatized for a time, the many pingpong sessions with su ling at the old pingpong room...CG discussions where Jien Ni would join in...though she wasnt a Christian at the time.. Still remember the amount of hair on the floor of their aptmt every friday!

Later on in the year, outings with Ken and Daniel in varying cars, depending on what Daniel would drive down from Melaka..Nights out would typically involve dinner at Carrefour, or farther afield..It ranged from movies, to pool at Subang, even including CS sessions at PJ cafes with David and Julian. I particularly remember one movie marathon we had in B1-12-1...watching till some of us fell asleep on the couch...

And now, looking back....after 5 sems...lots have changed...Jien Ni is now a child of God...both of them are really growing in lots of ways, and growing others too.

Su Ling and Jien Ni....thanks for talking to me way back in Sem 1, and thanks for the lessons, both conscious and unconscious.

Sorry for the misunderstandings and the barbs.

"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies."

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

Romans 8:33,37

Have a blessed birthday!

Jane, beside Jimmy...with me, Ne Jia, Jien Ni, Jia Han and Julian behind....the J gang before leaving KL..

ok lame, i know.

Jane...another persona which I will never live up to...seeing as how she could thrash me in tennis with her little finger! Sarawak state tennis player, having seen the sights of Asia all the way to Japan...her tennis feats are the stuff of IMU legend.

As she's turning 22 tonite, she's probably tucking into her favourite food ever...

Not to mention her dream of secretly marrying into, and taking over the empire of the pictured franchise...

Then there's the guy I secretly admire cos of his sense of style....his moves on the dance floor....his level of culturedness....all of which seem unattainable to me:-)


Jeng is immortalized here for his pasta making skills...which are really being put to use in London at the moment! Also, in a squint-with-both-eyes way, his apron, with a slight stretch of the imagination brings to mind the 3-trench-coats shopping spree so widely quoted among IMU immigrants overseas.

Both easygoing enough that I can write this post without fear of red-hot retribution...

Am praying Proverbs 3:5-6, as old and as familiar as it sounds, for you guys.

Happy bday Jeng and Jane!

one year later...

How long does it take to know someone? Especially someone from the opposite sex?
Weeks? Months?

How would I know anyway? It's not as if I know it all anyway, right shubs? haha.

Actually don't really recall what bump on the head caused me to engage this indian female in conversation...Actually to call shubs indian..hmm..requires a slight stretch of credibility...firstly, her Indian-speak is less than all there...meaning its close to non-existent! Secondly...she prefers chinese and malay food to indian food...it's wierd when we go out and half of the group wants to go banana leaf rice but she, wanting to stand out, opts for boring old chinese instead.

Still remember her birthday last year...which I was the only person NOT TO ATTEND! haha.. But just as well...some fiasco with a chocolate cake which no one had the decency to finish and i actually managed to taste it the very next day...when shubs, being as polite and as no-wanting-to-offend-others as usual, bought it to uni to be shared around..actually, it's amazing the whole thing went off as well as it did...

Her faults? Well, wanting to go waffling doesn't really count in all honesty i guess, since I don't really mind waffles myself.. more of an obsession i think. Teasing the kampung boy is, however, tantamount to poking a one-eyed elephant in the eye! Then again, she's not alone in this one, cos its more or less unfortunate that almost everyone thinks Sitiawan is a one road affair.. Her constant posingphilia (you may notice the first and last photos smilarities in terms of the main character) is, however something she's trying to rectify at the moment...

See?

Seems she is also a pretty good tennis player..though at the rate things are going, I'll only probably get to play tennis with her after we graduate. Also, since she's picking up cooking, it's also conceivable that somewhere in the near future, I'll be able to eat a shubs-cooked-meal and go "ahhhh".

Come to think of it, shubs is quite good at keeping herself to herself. Talks with shubs don't really come often..as i'm sure others can testify.

Come to think of it, think its been one year isnt it shubs?

Thanks for allowing me to drive around in your proton, for ball and the stress which went along with it( david and bern will particularly recall this haha!), for the waffles and movies with the gang and calls and talks that always seemed to end with me not knowing what to say..

Sorry for all the unintended jabs and the 'away' on msn times.

Here's to a good 2006.

Keep searching shubs. He'll meet you before you've finished looking for Him.

The IMU representatives to the YuLympics.

Happy birthday shubs.

a cold wet thursday evening

"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness." Rom 1:18

Ok skip...move on. Been there, heard that. God's angry with wicked people...nothing new la. What? Nothing else to say? Think you know it all? Er... ok...weird voice inside my head...romans 1 is always not that interesting anyway...but don't feel like starting a new chapter...ok backtrack then...let's try taking it a phrase at a time...(thank you 2:7!!)

"wrath of God"...nothing new there. "Revealed from heaven"...sure..that's where God is, right? "Against all the godlessness and wickedness of men"..well, thats how we are described in the bible most times, sigh.. "who suppress the truth" ..WAIT hold on!

"who suppress the truth by their wickedness"

hmmm*thinks* so we're inherently wicked, that's established. But we suppress the truth by our wickedness? So our wickedness has effects on others not being able to see the truth? So my sins can draw others away as well, not only condemning me to the eternal Separation from God, but making it THAT much harder for others to come to Him?

Suppression of the truth..

My 'wickedness'..

Looks our Adversary wasn't just born yesterday...

notpron

what i've been up to these past few days? Well, lets see...clerking patients, sleeping in lectures, cooking super chun dishes, meeting new ppl in CU and bouncing off ideas in student fellowship on how to best present the idea of "new birth" to a group of people who are half jaded and half new believers...

In between watching others nod off in lectures and playing the odd game of dota(owned with lion last thurs in 3v2 insane!!) have been occupied one hour a day playing this game called notpron..

Tagline : "The hardest riddle on the internet"

premise : 138 levels to go...how far can you go without resorting to spoilers from forums/friends? over 5 million ppl have started playing , with only 70 ppl completing it without spoiling the experience by CHEATING!

Position : am currently at level 8! Am either really blur, or just too fanatical about finishing the game BY MY OWN!!!

Weird huh? normally I wouldnt blog about my gaming experiences...(as dota crazy as i've been, i've never considered it worth my while to put it down on electronic paper..) BUT in this case, I think, I must make an exception...As the name states...this is notpron (a healthy alternative to some of the more salubrious sites available) Plus, while solving the puzzles, you'll (among other things) gain knowledge of such obscure but interesting topics like different types of candy bars available in the uk, what is ASCII all about, how to use adobe photoshop, the meaning of anagrams and many many more.... (images below taken from google earth - another program needed in notpron..)

Photo courtesy of benny liew...Sitiawan by satellite vision!

And, I know this will prob be on M103's blog..seeing as how jack, hsu pheen and I searched like crazy to find it, but its going up here, cos we wouldnt have been able to do it without my laptop!

IMU Bukit Jalil with vista ABC !

Something else I heard

Heard this on Wednesday at CU..

Taken from an actual passing out police exam:

You're a police officer reaching a bus station where a bomb has just gone off. A huge crater has formed in the middle of the road. At one end of the crater a bus has tipped over, with its' passengers crying out for help. At the other end of the crater a motorcycle has just plummeted over, unable to stop itself, flinging its' rider head over heels. The bomb blast has damaged some stores nearby and some people are helping themselves to the contents which are exposed. Nearby, a mum is shouting frantically, "Where's my son? Has anyone seen him?" while amidst the dust, you begin to make out survivors of the blast moving painfully, their cries insistent.

What do you do first?

One cadet wrote simply -

"Take off my uniform quietly and mingle with the crowd."


I find I'm like that sometimes. A hard choice is presented, and I immediately begin assessing my options for the soft, safe way out. As the end of the Harry Potter trailer puts it, a choice between 'what is right, and what is easy.' To add to the problem, the easy way out often seems to be not wrong at all. No one's going to die because I display a nonchalant attitude towards sin. No one gets offended, either. Seems a good trade off?

How about whether to speak about God in a situation when you'd be in trouble politically and physically?

"The priests and the captain of the temple guard and the Sadduccees came up to Peter and John while they were speaking to the people...They seized Peter and John and....put them in jail till the next day." (acts 4:1-3)

While being questioned, Peter and John, the same men who'd run for their lives when Jesus was captured, now stood up for Him. "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." (acts 4:12)

"When they saw the courage of Peter and John, and realised that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they TOOK NOTE THAT THESE MEN HAD BEEN WITH JESUS."(acts4:13, caps mine)

People just can't help but draw the connection to something greater than ourselves when we stand up for God.

It's something which I'm challenged with every time I go out here.

Lord, help me keep my uniform on.

Something I heard

Went for a discussion just now and heard an illustration from a video we watched..Can't remember the speaker's name, so I trust he won't sue me or anything...my parents have a big enough debt as it is...


Well, I went to this bay in Australia with my friend, and it was a fine day. The bay was quite empty and few people were around. It seemed a fine opportunity for a dip, so I began removing my shirt.
"What in the world are you doing mate?" asked my friend incredulously. He turned me around and pointed at a large sign that said:

DO NOT SWIM!! THIS AREA IS FULL OF SHARKS!!!

"Oh well, "I said, "I'm sure they won't get me. I'm only going in for a short while anyway."

"Well, just making sure you know, that's all." responded my friend. "I'm also sure that you're aware that over 220 swimmers have died from shark attacks in this area over a period of 10 years. After all, you're of age, and able to make your own decisions." he said as he walked off.

Sheepishly looking around, I began to put my clothes on again.


For those who haven't made the connection yet, it's basically a case of Do we realise the danger we are in? Jesus came with a specific message to show us why we were in trouble and how He could get us out of it. He leaves us with a choice that we have to make, a choice that is present whether or not we agree on evolution or the rights and wrongs of abortion. And, as he put it, we're 'of age and able to make our own decisions'.

Do we choose Him or reject Him? For there is no middle ground. To choose Him may seem a huge leap of faith, a decision not to be taken lightly. Fair enough. But it would be wise then, not to delay, for none of us really know how long more we'll be around, do we?

Personally, I sometimes find it hard to remember the danger I'm in, of not being able to remain in God's presence when I die, of dying and remaining like that forever. It's hard to remember such realities when I'm walking down Bold Street with a bag of groceries, struggling against the cold sharp wind so prevalent in Liverpool. But therein lies the danger, and the great deceit and pleasure of the Evil One, for he would like nothing better than to draw our thoughts farther away from the truth of true death.

Do we realise the danger we are in?

Are we willing to search for the truth to verify this danger?

Who's who

Well, the 2 groups of ppl that have intruded into my life:-) here's a brief intro on who's been writing on the page called New Creation...

Shubz is the girl 2nd from the right..She poses like that for most of the photos..when she's willing to be taken, that is..Right beside her is squeaks, actually hsu en, right till you hear her voice.. The guy in the purple shirt is daniel, my ex housemate, and also the one who taught me how to play pool! (no matter what he tells you) Behind her is Siew Lian, ex prayer coordinator of IMU CF and Jane beside her, the Sarawak super tennis player who is a self-confessed chocoholic. Beside jane, the girl in white with specs is Siew Lee, normally quiet and reserved but now being driven up the wall in med school in Seremban...And beside siew lee the guy who looks a bit like elijah woods is Ne Jia, who's very into nice house designs and landscaping. Joy is beside Ne Jia, the computer whiz of our batch, while David, beside Ne Jia is, as always, partially obscured by Jimmy, the gym rat and macho man of the group.. The 3 girls in front beside Daniel are Elaine(in red) whose birthday we just celebrated, Rani, who knows more football players than I do, and Wen Chyi, who's into anime and manga..There's lots more but you guys will just have to wait cos I dun have all day for this! hah!

Ok, the weird guy at the top left hand corner is Sieh Jin..sometime temp teacher, now currently youth counsellor at the Methodist Boy's College in Brickfields..Able to eat things mixed together for a price is his forte, besides basketball and piano, both of whom he wishes he was much better at..The girl beside him is Sieh Ping, his sis who currently works for thestar as a writer for Youth2...her nick is Irene Kiew(bit of publicity for you there...haha). Across Sieh Jin, is Wai Hong, anyone know how he is now? Working already? And beside him is Yong, ex star student of our form five, indeed of our secondary school career...The only guy to get full marks in the killer AddMaths exam where most of us were counting how many marks we were away from failing..now currently a budding engineer in Germany(and aspiring football commentator!). Beside her is Yoke May, whom david knows as Jocelyn, since she is her aunt! Weird huh? Coming from a family of 5 sisters, all of whom sound alike on the phone...she's now an electronic engineer in Penang...comes complete with her own CAR! The rest will just have to wait for some other time to be introduced!

So yup..now you all know each other, go have some coffee and biscuits and relax..make yourselves at home. I'm going to go mingle..see you.

IT's always hard to say goodbye...

This post is dedicated to an old friend. We've known each other for 2 and a half years, almost 3 years now. Come to think about it, since I've been in IMU. Through that time, we've gotten to know one another really well. We'd meet every morning, and even when I have PBL and need to rush, somehow we always find time to meet. Whenever I'd plan to have an extended studying session, we'd meet up again...sometimes staying together till 3 in the morning(though those were fairly rare occasions). We'd not stop meeting together when exams drew nearer, on the contrary, we'd meet even more. And when I went to the UK, what was more natural that I thought we should continue on as friends.

Alas,we did not last long in the UK. I woke up one fine morning and decided to have a glass of milk. Since it was a cold morning, I decided to warm up my millk in the microwave. One moment of carelessness ruined everything.

And so it was, being made of plastic, rubber and steel, my friend perished in flames which took alex some time to put out. And the microwave took some time to be cleaned out as well....plus the smell was terrible.

Leaving me to search around for another mug, a wiser and more careful guy.

Losing friends is never easy, especially when you''ve spent so much time together you practically and literally know one another inside out.

In happier days...my blue friend in the foreground next to the cheap plastic water bottle..

Thoughts

Just the other night, I was walking to a bus stop feeling frustrated. Went to a meeting spot for ppl attending hall meetings for Christian Union about 10 mins late. My fault, I know, but I was cooking that night and not being a very good one, ended up prolonging the process.. So having reached the chaplaincy(thats where we were supposed to meet) and finding no one there, I decided to go to Asda to get a cake.

Which brings me to the scene that I brought up above... a slightly begruntled young chap with his collar turned up from the cold and having a slight cold himself, walking towards a bus stop on a chilly evening.

Probably due to my grumpiness and my inner desire to not go home without having done something purposeful...a thought came in; whoever is at the bus stop, I'm going to try to be friendly to him/her....maybe tht's why I didnt get to go for the hall meeting...cos there's someone that needed a friendly ear at the bus stop. (Ok, hold your comments till the end of the post, k?). So with these thoughts in my mind, I reached the bus stop.

The wierd chant reached my ears before my eyes looked up to behold an old woman with a bright pink wig and really hard plastic shoes. She was chanting what sounded like a movie soundtrack 'ba ba ba dum dum dum' and another, younger lady was chanting with her, smiling at her as if to pacify her. Besides the two of them, there was an old man with a disfigured mouth looking like it needed a set of false teeth badly, and two other young men warmly wrapped up against the cold.

The old lady was trying to get the old man(whom apprently seemed to be her husband) to sit next to her, But he kept declining. And as I neared the scene, a wierd smell reached me. It smelled like leather gone bad from having being left in the rain, togther with some other scent which I tried in vain to identify. First impression: a very incongruous scene...I found myself shying away from the woman even though she'd not said anything to me yet. I managed a smile at her but inwardly I was hoping she wouldn't ask me to sit beside her. It was quite a long wait for the bus. The old woman gabbled on to the younger woman beside her who obviously knew her, though what she was saying was anybody's guess. From time to time she would break out into the chant I'd heard at first.

And as I stood slightly out of the circle of light thrown out of the bus stop, thoughts just came in.

Why was it I found it so hard to love ppl like these?

Why in the world am I being so put off by wierd smells and wierd chants and wierd looking wigs?

And here I am with all my talk about going into the mission field as a doctor...while I'm having difficulty loving ppl not 500 metres from my flat..

Will I be able to love ppl the way Jesus loves them?


I'll admit a lot of what I was thinking was not really justified and that I'd no right to second guess God and His plans for me and feel bad about doing so.. But the picture of the woman stayed with me after I'd got the cake and gone home and sung happy birthday with the rest..

Jesus loves her too.

How far will I actually dare to go for Him?